It’s a typical Sunday. You’ve settled into a folding chair in a sunny corner of the chapel classroom. Your scripture app is open on your phone and you’re reading along with the Sunday School teacher. Then it happens. A fellow ward member raises his hand to share his pet theory on faith in eternal polygamy as a winnowing process for latter times. Or maybe you are in Relief Society and your neighbor shares her heartfelt testimony that women who work outside the home lack a strong testimony of the gospel.
From speculation about the origins or supposed value of the priesthood and temple ban for members of African descent to declarations about which U.S. political party Jesus endorses, a lesson, talk, or church activity can be quickly derailed and misinformation propagated by interjections like these. While it may not always be possible or feel appropriate to speak up in response, these kinds of assertions are often hurtful, incorrect, or alienating. In those instances, it can be vital to voice dissent. We often feel discomfited and motivated to say something, but in the moment, our minds may buzz blankly and our hearts pound with anxiety. What to do?
The solution is to make a plan in advance. If you create a script for yourself, responding in the moment no longer requires an extemporaneous response. You follow your script. And while none of us are likely to reach for the exact same words, a guide for your script might look like this:
1. Correct
2. Diffuse
3. Redirect
Let’s look at each component. First, Correct. While you may have a refuting fact on hand, this part is more about simply stating dissent. The point of speaking up is not to begin a debate and further derail and disrupt, so don’t get bogged down in argument. Select a key phrase or two and rely on them to structure your statements in the moment, such as: That isn’t true; I don’t see it that way; That’s inappropriate; I think that’s unfair. You may have a specific extension to one of these in the moment and that’s great (though remember that brevity will be most effective—you’re not giving a speech), but you can also stick with one of these simple examples as is.
Second, Diffuse. I bet everyone, including you, is feeling uncomfortable right about now. Contradiction can be hard even in settings that call for it, but it is especially so in environments where we tend to expect mutual concurrence, like church or family gatherings. That’s ok. The expectation that we will all acquiesce can allow for problematic ideas to flourish and that’s why you’re speaking up. At the same time, we usually do share some values and beliefs with the person or people we are contradicting and you can point to one of those to diffuse some of the tension and reorient the group around a shared principle. Some examples include God’s immeasurable love for every person, that most people do the best they can, that everyone has to develop their own faith and testimony, and no one is perfect.
Third, Redirect. In church settings, a script like this will probably be most helpful if you build it with the goal of re-centering the room around gospel basics or the topic of the lesson at hand. This step can further diffuse any tension, but most importantly it returns the group to reason everyone is together. We have limited time to worship on Sundays and people have spent time preparing talks and lessons. It’s important to address harmful comments, but ideally, we are doing so to uplift, include, and turn our attention to the heart of the gospel.
The resulting script in response to, say, the comment about the faithfulness of working women would then look something like this:
“I think that’s unfair. We can’t measure anyone’s faithfulness but our own. Every individual has to develop her own capacity to receive personal revelation. One thing I appreciate about scripture study, our topic today, is the guidance we can find from examples like Ruth on how to persevere in following God’s personalized path for us.”
Finally, remember that speaking up with ease and confidence will take practice. It’s ok to feel nervous and you may not always phrase things as eloquently as you wish you could. But, your goal is to make your ward more inclusive and healthier. Voicing dissent from a place of love models a valuable skill for your community.
Have you spoken up? How did it feel? What strategies do you use?